Newbie BDSM Guide: How To Find Your Dream BDSM Match

The BDSM dating world is a complex labyrinth that often stimies the fresh-faced newbie. Clearly, at some juncture, everyone is new to BDSM dating. But as a new person, the BDSM dating world feels intimidating and confusing. How does one break into BDSM dating?

Can you find your dream BDSM partner?

Finding the right BDSM match is no easy task, particularly when you are new. But typically, the roadblock for most BDSM newbies is that they don’t have their ducks in a row. So when they search for a partner, they seem unserious.

Experienced BDSM participants constantly get hit up by the curious. And it is a waste of their time. So they attempt to avoid the time waste. If your ducks aren’t in a row, you’ll appear as time waste.

Here’s a couple of items you need to define before you send that first message.

Understand What You Like

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I know this seems odd. Like, why would you need to write down what you desire in BDSM? If you visit a restaurant you’ve never been to, you don’t need to pull out a written list of what you enjoy eating and then compare it to what’s on the menu. You just “know” what you like and can figure out what you’ll enjoy eating when you open the menu.

Newbies often approach BDSM in the same way and that’s a mistake. As intuitive as it seems, you probably don’t fully understand what you like in BDSM.

Just saying “I want to be spanked” is vague. This makes you seem like just a general horny dude. In fact, a spanking desire may not make you BDSM at all. Same with wanting to be slapped.

You need to define exactly what you like. Map out an entire fantasy. Fine, you want to be spanked, but in what setting? Do you jerk off to a teacher paddling you because you didn’t turn in a college paper? Or a woman whipping you with a belt after she catches you looking at another sexy girl?

The devil is in the details. The fantasy helps illustrate the type of BDSM role-playing you’re truly into. When a potential BDSM partner asks you what you are into, you’re able to more clearly explain what type of submissive you’d function as.

Having all of this clarity increases the likelihood that a potential BDSM partner will take you seriously. People who partake in BDSM sessions have a clear understanding of what they want.

Think about it. If someone only says they “like being spanked,” the lake of details leaves open all types of room for misinterpretation. This places the honus to dig into your soul on your potential partner and they probably aren’t interested in a project.

Define Your Boundaries

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The staple of BDSM is unequivocally boundaries. Without boundaries, BDSM is an unpleasant experience. Boundaries must be made in definitive ways. There can be no room for confusion.

Anyone who is experienced in BDSM avoids people who aren’t clear on their boundaries.

If you waffle on boundaries while talking to a dominatrix, she’s going to cut off all contact with you.

Sit down and write out your boundaries. Once you have your fantasy in place, you should be able to easily define your limits.

If you desire a dominatrix to spank you, you need to determine how hard. Punishment limits are typically defined by the damage they leave. For example, if she hand spanks you, do you want your ass to turn only red? Or is purple OK?

Also, can she use a paddle? If she does, how much pain can you take?

If you aren’t sure, hit your ass with a paddle and determine if you can take it. Did you only leave a red mark yet you can’t take anymore? I know it sounds odd to do this, but it’s a must. You must understand what your BDSM limits and boundaries are or else no dominatrix will want to work with you.

When you send that first message to a dominatrix, she’s going to want to understand your boundaries. If you are unclear on your boundaries, she’s not going to respond to you.

Now that you’ve done you, you’ll need to figure out how to select appropriate potential partners.

Use Our BDSM Dating Search

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Use our BDSM dating search which is available to all free members. Make sure to be clear and specific rather than general in your search. You want to be precise. If you find a dominatrix that specializes in genital torture and you are looking for spanking, it’s best to avoid. Not only do you waste your energy but you also earn a reputation as someone who just takes the shotgun approach to messaging.

Don’t Create Template Messages

A dominatrix will snuff out a template message. They get tons of them on the daily. Don’t fall trap to the shotgun messaging approach.

Make Sure Your Messages Use Appropriate Language

If you are messaging a mistress, your tone and language matter. If you can’t be polite and submissive in an opening message, you probably aren’t serious about your BDSM aspirations. Your BDSM journey begins with your first message to a potential partner.

Conclusion

Finding a dream BDSM partner requires some work. Make sure you know your boundaries and what you like at a very micro, specific level. Don’t blast out template messages. Use our free BDSM dating search to find potential partners who match your criteria.